"Don't lose your sense of responsbility in the sea of God's sovereignty."

- James MacDonald

Letting Go

In my lifetime, I have let go of many things... dreams, people, beliefs... but perhaps nothing so important letting go of as the things that have hurt me.

There's another word for that letting-go: it's forgiveness.

I've learned many valuable lessons about forgiveness in the last few years. First and foremost, no human can possibly forgive of his/her own accord. Without help from God, it just isn't happening. I've learned to pray to God to teach me how to forgive, and it was one of the best prayers that He answered. I also learned that bitterness and forgiveness are incompatible - the two won't coexist. You have one, or you have the other, but you never have both.

I have forgiven much; in many ways, I have forgiven more than I ever dreamed I would have to. But now I'm at a crossroads of sorts, and I realized today that I have more to forgive, more to let go.

(I know I am being unbearably vague here, so I apologize, but in the interest of not hurting others, ambiguity is going to have to suffice. Moving on...)

I have been holding in a great deal of hurt. It wasn't coming from any one person in particular (rather a large group of people), but it was more of an accumulation of years of keeping my mouth shut when I wanted - needed -  to speak, of being brushed aside by others when I desperately needed a friend, of bearing the knowledge that I or my family was the source of someone's gossip session, of years of frustration over a situation that I just couldn't change. I was talking to a group of friends today, and it dawned on me that I am painfully bitter. Though I learned the lesson of forgiveness in a very real way a few years ago, I hadn't applied to other areas of my life, and the bitterness was eating away at my soul.

So I am making the decision today to let go. I still love the people involved (although I don't think the feeling is necessarily mutual, and that's okay), but it is time to let it all go. I choose to forgive. I choose not to wallow in the past, but to forge my way into the future without being weighed down by the hurt from a situation I couldn't improve. No more excuses. No more complaining. No more bitterness.

God is good. He has blessed me richly, starting with His forgiveness for me. How much more should I forgive others! I don't want to blindly pass His blessings because I am so focused on my own hurts.

I am letting go... and moving on.

Stuff, and other assorted random thoughts

First, I am going to shamelessly plug my recipe blog. If you are one of my handful of followers here, and you also happen to enjoy cooking, check out Real Food - Real Folks. My updates are somewhat sporadic, I admit, but there is still lots of good stuff that that I feel somewhat guilty about keeping to myself. :)

Second, Braeden and I are on the way to recovery. He has, as usual, ran ahead of me down the road a bit, but I'm better, too. My biggest frustration now is my ears - I still feel like I have permenent earplugs and I am more than ready to be able to hear again!

Third, life is good. I feel exceptionally blessed right now, and thankful to God for all He's done for me.

Fourth, unfortunately, a blessed feeling does not get the studying done... and I have a test this week. So bye for now. Have a blessed week!

"You'll please God with your attempts to show the respect that your husband, His beloved son, deserves - not because he does everything perfectly to deserve such reverence, but because he is divinely and uniquely created in his heavenly Father's image."

- Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman's Marriage: Igniting the Joy and Passion You Both Desire

What a Day...

I get sinus infections from overblown allergy reactions at least 4 times a year - sometimes more. Usually it starts with icky nasal drip, and within a week has progressed to a full-blown, green snot, chest congestion, sinus headache mess. I generally try to avoid antibiotics because I get these infections so often that I don't want to become desensitized to the antibiotics; it's only when I am really desperate that I resort to going to the doctor for meds.

Today I got desperate.

I'm not the only one who is sick. Braeden has progressed with the same thing I have at about the same time. The reason I gave in and took us both to the walk-in clinic today is because in the wee hours of the morning, I woke to find two things: 1) Braeden was standing by my bed, bawling his eyes out because his ears hurt; and 2) I had no idea how long he'd been standing there, because my good ear hurt so much I could barely hear a thing. It took me several minutes to realize that Braeden hadn't had a bad dream; he had a raging earache. We spent the next two hours medicating with ibuprofen and heat pads to no avail. I eventually told him to play video games at 3:30am in a desperate attempt to distract him from the pain. That lasted about 30 minutes, then he came back with me. Finally I hit him with a heavy dose of Benadryl, which blessedly knocked him out.

By the time I woke up, both of my ears felt like someone had jammed plugs into them, and pain was radiating from my ears to my jaw to my neck. It hurt to chew, it hurt to stand up, it hurt to hiccup, and it hurt to blow my nose. Incidentally, I was also so incredibly congested that I could barely breathe through my mouth; thank goodness I have a prescription inhaler, or I'd have been in trouble.

So off to the doctor we went. At clinic #1, we waited 15 minutes because the desk lady was ignoring us, only to find out it's not a walk-in clinic until 4pm. So we drove halfway across to the county to the only other walk-in clinic available, where we waited three hours for a doc to tell us what I already knew - that we both had raging ear infections and I had a sinus infection to go with it.

I got in the car to leave... and it wouldn't start. No surprise there; it always does this to me at the worst possible time. I have to turn off all the electronics in the car, turn the key over as if I was starting it, and wait for ten minutes for the security system to reboot. It is a total and complete pain in butt. After the allotted ten minutes was up, I started the car, put it in gear - and it promptly died. Guess what? It wouldn't start again. So I got to wait another ten minutes, with a cranky kid in the background begging for something to eat or drink (by this point it was 1pm and neither of us had anything except a few sips of my coffee).

I finally get the car going and we head to Wal-Mart with the prescription. I dropped off the script and took B to Taco Bell. We came back to for the meds, only to find that 1) they still weren't ready; and 2) one of the scripts for B was out of stock.

By this point I was ready to throw something. My ears were hurting so much I was almost in tears. We went home with 2 of the 3 meds. Then I had to work for a couple of hours... I missed school tonight because Jeff is working and by the time I got finished with work, I wasn't going to make it anyway. I logged into eLearn to find that my last test score went from a B to a C because they dropped questions I got right.

Seriously... I'm halfway expecting the house to burn down. Given the day I've had, that would be about right.

However, I am also struggling to be more content and thankul, so after this (very long) ranting post, here is what I am thankful for:

1) my eardrum was not ruptured. Hopefully I won't experience any permanent damage (I've already lost a good bit of hearing and can't afford to lose more)

2) we were able to get antibiotics for me and B. The one I have to go back for is just a prescription combo med for B.

3) The car did eventually start

4) I got a nap and felt a little better

5) I also had to have a steroid shot, and now my jaw and neck don't hurt.

6) Being at home tonight instead of in school means I have time to work on my clinical stuff from Monday that has to be turned in

7) I have friends from school who are sending me notes and audio from class tonight.

8) I have Grannie & Peepop! They were ready to come all the way down the mountain just to bring B some food at the doctor's office (didn't, though, because we couldn't have food in there.)

Maybe tomorrow will be better, eh?

What if?

What if... what if everything you ever believed, everything important that you ever held to be true - what if it all suddenly turned out to be wrong?

What would you do? How would you react? Would it leave you devastated, or would you be glad to "see the light?"