Have you ever just felt unnecessary? That your presence in a situation was no more than a waste of good air? Or worse - that you wanted to be necessary and relevant and wanted - but you were decidedly unwanted?
I'm struggling with that right now. I have a helping spirit - I crave the opportunity to work and help others. It's a large part of the reason I chose to suffer the torment of nursing school - so I had a good excuse to be there for somebody.
And yet... it seems like I am never quite wanted. Or like I don't know exactly where I fit. I feel like I have so much to offer, but nobody is interested. I volunteer, I beg, and I plead - please let me help! - but the pleas fall on deaf ears, it seems. Somebody else is already doing it. I have all the help I need. There's nothing for you to do. Okay, you can help - but then we're going to take it all away from you first chance we get. On second thought, never mind. We don't need you. We don't want you.
I went in last week for my clinical evaluation, and my instructor told me something that surprised me. She says I have "great leadership potential" but that intimidate some of my classmates.
Me? Intimidating? I just don't see that in myself. Most of the time I'm scared to death, and I just forge ahead to try to get the job done without showing everyone else how afraid I really am.
Intimidating? Is it because I talk a lot? Is it because I answer questions? Is it because I jump in when I see a need? Or do I come across as a bossy, loud, obnoxious know-it-all? (That is certainly not my intention.)
I'm trying to examine myself, to see if that's really true, and if it is - why? Is it something I can change? Is it something I should change?
And perhaps more importantly, is it the reason no one wants me?
(Note: These are not rhetorical questions. I've got my big-girl panties on. Fire away at will if you see something in me that I don't see in myself.)