Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Need to Feel Wanted

Have you ever just felt unnecessary? That your presence in a situation was no more than a waste of good air? Or worse - that you wanted to be necessary and relevant and wanted - but you were decidedly unwanted?

I'm struggling with that right now. I have a helping spirit - I crave the opportunity to work and help others. It's a large part of the reason I chose to suffer the torment of nursing school - so I had a good excuse to be there for somebody.

And yet... it seems like I am never quite wanted. Or like I don't know exactly where I fit. I feel like I have so much to offer, but nobody is interested. I volunteer, I beg, and I plead - please let me help! - but the pleas fall on deaf ears, it seems. Somebody else is already doing it. I have all the help I need. There's nothing for you to do. Okay, you can help - but then we're going to take it all away from you first chance we get. On second thought, never mind. We don't need you. We don't want you.

Unecessary.

I went in last week for my clinical evaluation, and my instructor told me something that surprised me. She says I have "great leadership potential" but that intimidate some of my classmates.

Huh?

Me? Intimidating? I just don't see that in myself. Most of the time I'm scared to death, and I just forge ahead to try to get the job done without showing everyone else how afraid I really am.

Intimidating? Is it because I talk a lot? Is it because I answer questions? Is it because I jump in when I see a need? Or do I come across as a bossy, loud, obnoxious know-it-all? (That is certainly not my intention.)

I'm trying to examine myself, to see if that's really true, and if it is - why? Is it something I can change? Is it something I should change?

And perhaps more importantly, is it the reason no one wants me?

(Note: These are not rhetorical questions. I've got my big-girl panties on. Fire away at will if you see something in me that I don't see in myself.)

3 comments:

Lauren said...

OhMyGosh! I JUST said this on a Facebook status update!!! For real, you and I are feeling the EXACT SAME THING.

If it's any consolation, I've often (just yesterday in fact, and again last week) wished that I could spend loads of more time with you because I LOVE your friendship, love your mind, love your laughter and your brittle-dry, super smart wit. I want you. :o)

FredT said...

change is the only constant in like, beyond death and taxes

Aimee said...

It's funny, because you simply wrote down what I have been saying in my mind for so long.... I Feel like I go through the same emotions of being unwanted, unneeded and just in the way at times. It is completely frustrating, and very disheartening.

The biggest difference between you and I is that I don't think I have ever been called intimidating...and you most definitely are NOT, I on the other hand, simply get walked all over.

I so wish we were closer together, go into a photography / scrapbooking business together or something. It would totally work. Maybe one day... Indy perhaps?