Reflecting

It's a little after 12:30 am, and I'm sitting in the living room in the midst of quiet chaos. There are toys and gifts, dirty clothes and clean, dishes, fast food bags, and trash piled everywhere around me. But it's quiet. Hubby is at the restaurant babysitting drunk socialites, and my little guy went home with Pepop and Grannie. So it's just me. I have a few moments to reflect on what has been, and wonder (not for the first time) what will be.

I would be lying if I said 2006 was an easy year. It wasn't - not by any stretch of the imagination. The year saw a lot of broken dreams, some permanently abandoned, some merely postponed until circumstances improved. I spent most of the year in a borderline-depressed funk, wasting far too much time feeling sorry for myself and pining away over what could have been but wasn't. I probably have a few more weeks of that left while I trudge through my usual post-holiday blues, but I can at least say that my mood seems to be improving, even if only a little.

It's hard to admit, but for someone who is nearly 30, I have almost no sense of direction. I don't know what to do with myself. I have no idea what the future holds, and it's brought me down. Sometimes I think I would rather take the low road because it's easier and would at least mean stabilizing my chaotic life a bit. But then I wonder how much I would regret accepting things as they are without ever really giving myself a chance to be more.

I can't say the year was a total waste, though. I've been in the same job for more than two years now (a record for me) and while it doesn't pay much, I work from home, savoring answering the phone in a very professional manner while wearing my pajamas and eating pancakes. I finally put together all my favorite recipes into a book, which I proudly presented to my in-laws as a Christmas present. Holding the printed copies gave me a sense of accomplishment that surprised me. I made a new friend, and discovered how great a friend I had in someone else. I read a few books for my own personal pleasure, and attempted a few new crafts.

Undoubtedly the most significant thing for me this year was forgiving someone who'd hurt me more deeply than I'd ever been hurt before. I learned that forgiveness is more than just thinking about it - you have to say it. Writing those three little words - "I forgive you" - released a world of burden from my shoulders. It was so intense it was physical. And somehow, saying it made it truly so. I can see that person without my stomach turning sour for the first time in years. The sense of relief is beyond what I can put into words.

In working through my own hurts, I learned a lot about God. I finally came to the point where He was the only one left for me to lean on. I still don't pray and study every day, but I am closer to my Lord than I ever have been before. I am learning to praise him - even in the storm.


Praise You in This Stormwords by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls I barely hear
You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth